I'm posting this so those brave and kind souls who do me the honour of following me can know where I am, should they want to.
Right now I'm in counselling for depression and anxiety. I've had two appointments, and unfortunately I'm not terribly convinced. I'll stick with it, but the counsellor nearly gave up when she felt I wasn't sufficiently open. I told her I wasn't deliberately obstructive, but that vague questions such as "tell me about your childhood" are so open that I genuinely struggle with them. I mentioned to her that I have tried to get a diagnosis for aspergers, interestingly she was sympathetic and said she felt that I was indeed displaying such traits. Unfortunately that won't do any good, partly because, as with all mental health, there is no holistic connected service. If we had that, she might be able to communicate directly with the diagnostic service and add testimony.
This lack of connection is a real problem. She has no answers to the systemic causes of mental health. I mean dealing with the structural violence that exists through the likes of the DWP. She has no power over them even though she knows I could be called in for another ESA test at any time. I had to explain to her, and not meaning to sound arrogant, that the system works against you and is created to function that way, that these people are not your friend. Unfortunately when that comes from a mental health patient to their counsellor it is less likely to be taken seriously. I can only hope she gets it. She had previously made the suggestion that I speak to Bristol City council housing to get into Bristol as the isolation where I am is a major problem. Of course that is never going to happen (and I checked online): homelessness is at critical mass and the city faces nearly 100 million quid's worth of cuts to say nothing of a chronic lack of social housing. A situation mirrored up and down the land. What was she thinking? The problem is the kind of well intentioned naivete that blocks real opposition ot this system.
To deal with my blood sugar dipping from time to time, which can be a real problem, I have tried to adopt a completely different diet. This being the ketogenic diet that's meant to stimulate the body to burn fat instead of carbs. I'm not entirely convinced that's healthy, but it seems to work for a lot of people. Waiting for the GP to actually write a letter to the endocrinologist for an appointment is expecting too much it seems,
Finally, for anyone interested, I thought I would start recording some stream of consciousness thought pieces on video to put on Youtube. This is the channel. Don't expect super high production values, I'm not comfortable being on cam right now so you get to hear my rambling tones against a backdrop of low res countryside. Not quite Pewdiepie or whatever his name is, but some people might get a kick out of it. I thought it might be fun to try and cop a style similar to the Artist Taxi Driver and his counter culture political rants: fun, relatively short (perhaps), pieces to camera. If anyone likes it, give us a like - it's gauche to ask but I thought it might be fun, while the weather and life remains dark, to try and build up something positive.
Thanks for sticking with this,
