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To the Dogs

I actually had the opportunity to apologise to that 'gentleman' I had the misfortune to encounter the other day. I'm not too proud to apologise, though quite frankly I felt I was apologising for far more than I deserved to. He wasn't terribly interested; just said 'don't worry about it' and walked on. Obviously me hoping he might bother to reciprocate given his appalling abusive and aggressive attitude was too much to ask, but that's no reason for me not to behave properly - or at least try to. The only thing I really had to apologise for was not walking away. In the words of the immortal Bill Hicks: "if it's a piece of shit, walk away". Nuff said. Sometimes though situations just trigger a well of frustration within, and that's what happened. I lost the plot. Sadly that patch of ground is well trodden by irresponsible dog walkers who variously let their dogs run riot regardless of other people and just shit all over it. It's also subject to pointless amounts of litter and some petty vandalism. It's just so sad to see such pleasant environments go...to the dogs. They are there for all to enjoy, and we all pay for them (well not me of course, as I'm a grubby scrounger).
All this has served to trigger my mental anxiety and long term paranoia to a new level. I've mad an appointment with the doctor for Monday. I'm so unfocused (or rather, negatively focused; I can't think straight and my sleep is as erratic as usual) I can't concentrate on my exercise. People don't get problems like these: I don't have any physical symptoms (other than looking perpetually stoned, to my great chagrin, because i have poor eyes) and can usually string a sentence together. Ergo there's no excuse for not having a job, blah blah blah. But that's just not how it works. I can't switch off my emotional state or edit my feelings like Mr Spock, and I'm not some giddy schoolkid either. This is real life. Expecting people to just get on and work, never mind the reality of unemployment for the focused and the hearty, is so far removed from reality as to be wilfully ignorant.
Hopefully I can get some help. There was a local outreach meeting last week which I attended and explained my sorry situation. That seemed positive. So when they meet and discuss the possibility of referrals there may be a chance of support. Given how the system and the state works, it's about ticking the right boxes so you can move into a positive space and be helped. Otherwise you're a scrounger.

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