Into the Mirror

So tomorrow morning is my WCA. Needless to say I am not looking forward to it, and that would be an understatement. It's currently sitting in my mind, refusing to leave, cooking up a stultifying negativity. That's the thing with depression; it's a presence that, even if you manage to distract yourself for a time, it returns with hammer-like vengeance. That feeling alone is enough to make the problem of depression the horrible reality it is. Sucker punched by your own thoughts.

Logically - as if we live in a logical society - I should pass. My situation is unchanged from last year. However that is exactly why I won't pass. You might think it reasonable to simply report that fact, but the simplicity of doing so, the ease of process, is exactly why you can't. Instead I will be seen, likely by someone different, and asked the same questions; some of which will not be relevant but part of the deceptive nature of the process. For example, being asked 'how did you get here today' in an effort to prove that you can function independently because you can handle half an hour on a bus when it's not too busy.

It's a test, but unlike determining if I'm a replicant, it's to determine whether I'm human. Which, on reflection, is sort of the same thing.

Honestly the questions they ask are meaningless anyway; diagnosing mental health requires trust. This is why gaslighting is such a big issue: if you are doing to assume people with invisible incommunicable problems are faking it then you are already failing them. But then this process is not one of diagnosis. It isn't even really interested in that; instead it's to establish - no matter how marginal - that you are capable of work: some kind, any kind. Even for one hour a week. This is why it is important to relay your symptoms and difficulties at their most serious (and they may try and persuade you otherwise).

I know this. I might even seem like someone who has 'cracked' the system and thus certain to succeed. But that couldn't be further from the truth. This is not a problem that can be solved because it is based on an adversarial structure. The 'healthcare professional' (ie not a doctor) isn't there to help you, they are there to catch you out. One slip, that's all it takes. Does this really seem a good way to run a welfare system? If you fail, that's it. You can expect the letter to come through telling you that you failed; by the time you'll be reading it you'll have already lost your income. There is no transition period, no support during it, nothing. We wouldn't expect a hospital to treat people that way, but a welfare state seems to be a different matter.

So in theory my chance of succeeding should be the same as last time. But I cannot believe lightning will positively strike twice. I can't assume that outcome, although there is very little other than steeling myself mentally, that I can do anyway. I will have to hope that, whoever sees me tomorrow, will report what I say, believe what I say, and that the DWP bureaucrat they pass their report on to, will draw the same conclusion as last year.

Unfortunately I have no supporting evidence; it is impossible to be seen or diagnosed by a mental health specialist here, because (like everywhere it seems) there aren't any. There are 'wellness advisors', because we don't like to label people as 'depressed' etc: a statement of intent that does more harm than these people can possibly imagine. By not giving people a diagnosis you are depriving them of the truth of their situation - and without a diagnosis you deprive them of chips to bargain with against the DWP. Against; that's the problem.

GP's are no better. They will claim they don't like the 'medicalise' mental health. They will point toward positive thinking outcomes, like mindfulness, where they believe that if you just adopted a positive attitude problems would melt away, like a lovely butter. Again this is depriving the patient of vital support. It's also a sign of the ignorance of the medical profession and their unwillingness to stand by patients. They have been brainwashed into thinking the WCA is a diagnostic affair, thereby relieving them of any responsibility. They will believe it delivers appropriate outcomes.

It's also a form of gaslighting.

Fundamentally, regardless, this is the composition of our society right now. This is what welfare looks like. A hall of mirrors that hides its true nature behind misguided and beguiling forms. Everywhere you turn you are shown a potential outcome that is an ugly reflection of your own life constructed from deprivation and judgement. It is a system based on harsh principles: we don't help people, we don't trust people, and we don't want them to survive.