Loneliness

There may be a ton of other, perhaps even more serious, subjects that do not get discussed. But in my view, and or the purpose of this piece, there aren't many quite as pernicious as being alone. Whether in a crowd (which can sometimes be worse) or genuinely alone.

In fact now that I reflect on this, I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. In so many ways this is something that feels, to me, something that one cannot admit. Whether or not this is a cultural attitude, or an expectation born of gender ("boys don't cry y'all").

The truth is.

Insert enormous pause.

That I am lonely.

It has taken an awful lot of effort to type this, of course that will not come through here.

I am not sure I should be posting this. But if you are reading it then you know that I have and the hell with it.

I have no idea what I want to achieve from this. It is seen as the least attractive thing, it seems to me in our culture, to admit this. In so many ways it is the ultimate sign of weakness.

Or am I wrong? Oh well in for a penny, in for a pound.

You see, I never did well in this area. That's just how it is; some of us shine socially always find someone to share their lives with (for better or worse). Others don't. I think that's how it is with everything. For some people life comes up heads, for others it's tails. Were I a philosophical man I might say it's yin and yang.

What do you do when the options to meet people aren't there? What can you do about a society that seems to place so much stock in being a 'winner' and on superficial things like crafting an appearance of wearing the pointiest shoes. These are the values people admire, because that's what we are taught matters and being lonely is to be a loser. It is the antithesis of those values and to show that weakness is to piss in the cornflakes of society.

We don't teach relationships at school. You sort of have to learn how to deal with people, how to interact with them. You are meant to figure that out the way animals learn things: by observing and copying. But that isn't always possible: what happens when your role models are themselves dysfunctional and you don't know any better? What happens when you gro up in a family where the very word relationship is anathema, where parents and siblings fight because that's all they seem to have known?

It can take lifetimes to break free from that. Yet in the meantime, because of society's demands, you must put on a brave face. People will comment on how great or nice your parents are, and you nod because you know enough not to speak the truth. That would be unthinkably awkward and impolite. You are left screaming inside your skin while a little piece of you dies inside.

Then, as you grow up, you life passes you by. All the things you should have been doing; all the people that you should have met, the experiences you should have had and the relationships you should have formed... they never happened. Life has passed you by and somewhere there's a scorekeeper looking at you disapprovingly tapping his watch and shaking his head.

You get one shot at this life, but you can't force love out of life. You can't make it happen. It's the sole purview of trashy lit and self help guide that there's someone special waiting for everyone: a soul mate just waiting to be found. Life doesn't work that way. There are just people; they walk around blinkered by the expectations of the environment they've known, programmed into them. They will walk right past that person blind to a smile or a casual kindness and never know if that was indeed their soul mate. Life will go on. The pain will go on. It may even become a friend of sorts: a companion that reminds them they are alive.

We shoudln't have to live like this. Our society should be free from aspirationally charged norms. No one should judge each other for their clothing choices or whether their appearance fits a certain profile. They should be valued for who they are. But that's just a pipe dream isn't it. Only it isn't, if enough people believe it - that's my self help book.

And yet here I am. No one will ever notice and it will be too late.

And I am not alone in this.