I say have been working; that should probably be past tense because this relationship looks like it's going to go the same way as my experience with all the rest - including the professional liars at the Salvation Army on the Work Programme back in the day.
Of course they will say it's all my fault - that I'm not engaging - but it's just the same old victim blaming narrative and an easy excuse to get rid of someone that isn't giving them the results they need for funding, or whatever. In this case they have lottery funding so that shouldn't - according to the impression I was given - be an issue. But these people are all fundamentally dishonest: they pretend to be your friend and then walk away.
I'm sick of dealing with people like that in my life, I find it incredibly difficulty to process and it's fundamentally disappointing not to be able to make concrete and lasting relationships. But they don't care.
So what happened?
Well, it's been two weeks since I was last told by my adviser, who had otherwise seemed quite nice and accepting of my position, issues and feelings on various topics, that she wanted to 'catch up'. Great, I thought. Then I hear nothing for ages. This is not the first time, by the way. I only hear from them when I go into their office to get bus fare refunded (guess that won't be happening anymore) and visit the creative writing class they paid (£5 - hardly Big Lottery Pounds!) for that I wanted to do (guess that won't be happening anymore).
Last time we met was at the start of the year - a meeting again I had to prompt. She asked me how I was and I told her that I was struggling. She hadn't seen me before suggesting I meet with the colour therapist. I told her how that went, which is to say I found it a complete waste of time. What do they expect - colour fucking therapy? Seriously? These people have no understanding of mental health if they think looking at a purple sunset or wearing a green coat is going to make any difference.
Anyway we discussed a few things: she agreed that bus fare is a problem and that she would ask about getting a monthly ticket (at least one). I told her about my interest in music and she said she'd go away and look into that, and she also mentioned something about writing - possibly journalism - that I can't fully recall that she was also going to bone up on. Ok, sounds great. She also seemed to accept my position on their wellbeing (including colour therapy) programme. To reiterate: I'm not interested in sitting in a group of three discussing magic thinking and pop psychology. I am not here to be victim blamed or sold all the usual 'think positive!' crap that doesn't change your life, doesn't change the fundamental problems in our system, and only leaves you feeling negative that nothing has changed!
But it appears not.
I emailed her on Monday to find out what was happening. She got back to me this morning with a polite ultimatum. Apparently she is 'struggling' to help and that, if I don't agree to do these wellbeing/colour therapy courses they are going to take their toys (which is to say financial support) and walk away. This would also, at this critical time (as I'm still due a WCA), support in applying for and dealing with Universal Credit, if it transpires I'm no longer able to claim ESA.
This is what she said:
"My expectations will be for you to attend the sessions here with...and... if you wish to continue. That would be to attend two sessions each week. I fully understand if you feel this is not what you want and if you wish to exit the programme that’s ok and you can still engage in courses that are run by the Carlton Centre."
So we go from a position of mutual understanding and of respecting my feelings to giving up on the things you were going to look into, abandon me to the vagaries of the DWP and walk the fuck away.
No, I don't wish to exit the programme, nor have I ever said that I did. I do think that it doesn't have much to offer (except providing computers to look up volunteer work, of which there isn't much that's worthwhile - but they don't look into anything on their end either, despite all the Big Lottery Pounds they have been given).
This is how it works folks. You are dealing with people that simply do not understand or appreciate how difficult it is for folks with mental health, social isolation, and general difficulties to actually do something. To wit (she goes on to say):
"Please don’t take this as a negative, but as I said I feel that this may not be the right project at the moment for you.
I have asked you on several occasions on how I can help you and I have had nothing to really work on."
But this is a lie, we agreed on at least 3 things, I have mentioned them above, she could look into and hasn't. So what does that say?
Don't take our rejection and abandonment of you, at a difficult time when you are struggling with depression and anxiety, as a negative though! When we first met she even told me she personally knew the DWP Work Psychologist (the one that claimed she could perform an Aspergers diagnosis test, but lied). So I had asked the adviser to speak with her about this situation. Of course you can guess where taht went.
Unfortunately while it may not 100% be the right project, the reality is, thanks to our shit government and shit system, it is the ONLY project. I was told at the outset that this organisation was partnered with a group, based in Bristol, called WECIL who are funded by the same source and thus were partners. That turned out to be bollocks, funding stops at the regional border and they, WECIL, offer very little outside of Bristol. A fact they reminded me off when I emailed them last week. They were supposed to have put me on their mailing list but I hadn't heard anything.
This is the reality of support. If you don't live in the right place, your options are seriously limited. If you deal with someone they will claim to have a range of knowledge experience and/or contacts that they don't have. Ultimately this will come back around and bite you on the ass because it will mean that they will say "we are struggling to help you" and you will get the blame - i.e. they will shake your hand and wave bye bye.
So it seems I will have to attend, not one, but both of these courses in order to continue receiving the meagre, but useful, help that exists. This could be crucial if I have to claim UC - but then equally they could be fucking useless there as well. At the very least I have something.
The price of support is to attend a colour therapy weekly session that I have no interest in that I know is not scientifically valid support and is just faddish nonsense. Look if colours make you feel good, great, and if this idea interests you, great. I'm not knocking that. But do not tell me it is going to change the reality of the life I lead nor the system I live in. Purple (the colour of creativity apparently - whatever that means, she couldn't tell me) clothing isn't something I can afford nor want to.
It also means attenting the weekly wellbeing session (not either, both ffs!) as well, where I will be told about positive thinking and goal setting and all this drivel I've heard before. All of which assumes I don't try and do things, don't have goals, etc. I've seen the curriculum, it includes topics like "what makes you feel good"?!? I don't even know if I want to be compelled to discuss that. Isn't that a personal matter; moreover doesn't it change depending on the circumstances. Like music, what I enjoy one moment changes to the next. But that's too nuanced for this. The goal of which will be to offer a simplistic and glib response ("I like a nice sunset") so you can be told to experience more of it ("well, go and watch a sunset and your life will transform"). I didn't sign up for Paul McKenna new age bullshit. I signed up for credible support which is supposed to have funding. Things like bus fares and benefits advice help me. Not the colour fucking purple! I'm not Prince!
Addendum (clever word for 'I forgot to include this at first'): I'm not sorry for spelling errors, piss poor grammar, or a rambling prose here. I needed to get this off my chest. I'm fucking tired of these organisations.
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