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Fear is the Mind Killer

...To borrow a phrase from Dune. True though.

Tomorrow I've an appointment with my GP, thanks to a lucky cancellation (god knows when else I would have been able to get an appointment). When I first spoke to a doctor about the fear and anxiety that I'm currently experiencing (and considerably so) as a result of being targeted by idiots (and life in general, it sometimes seems) I was laughed at. The guy just sneered at me - I kid you not. His attitude was awful. Different doctor, to be fair. Same surgery though.

It is just so difficult trying to explain things like anxiety and stress and fear; either you find the doctor understands these issues or they simply reject it. I suspect I won't get anymore tomorrow. I'm fed up trying to explain these issues but the guy just seems to think that getting a job would solve all my problems. Just that. Simplistic and I think naive: 'getting a job would solve it all'. No thought as to what job and whether having a shitty job would only compound these problems. No consideration as to how I would get a job (because until i get one things don't change of course). So again we have this dismissive attitude: 'oh get a job', as if it's as simple as popping down the shop and buying today's paper - though even that has become difficult. I watch my back when I go even to the local shops, I take a different route and I'm mindful who's around. That's no way to live. But if I got a job all this would change - really? Ok, it might get me the money to move away (though on minimum wage that's not particularly likely is it). But still I would have to find a job, and what chance do I have right now?

It's so difficult explaining these issues. It's an entirely personal thing. Stress and anxiety as experienced by me isn't something I can show the doctor; it's not something he can understand so if he isn't sympathetic to these kinds of problem how can he help? This is exacerbated by the current ATOS-led environment where sickness, if you like, equals malingering and work is the great panacea. The puritan work ethic. Right now I feel like I'm on the edge. I certainly can't focus on searching for work. I don't consider myself 'job ready' as the industry describes it - but then I would say that, wouldn't I.

Dealing with the DWP on the other hand is equally difficult: without the official stamp of a proper GP what I say holds less credibility. You find that the advisers take one of two approaches. Either they think you are lazy and it's back to the puritan work ethic, or they respond in a rather cloying 'oh poor you' kind of way that's just patronising. Doubtless with the latter they think they are being understanding, but it's nothing of the kind, at least not as far as I'm concerned. I find it appalling and unbearable. I can't deal with that, it's pretending to a level of emotional attachment between us that isn't there or even appropriate. As someone with (possibly, I should say, we may find out soon enough though) Aspergers, I find it very very uncomfortable.

But the bottom line is you have to look for work. Work solves everything. Being sick, having problems emotionally, psychologically or even physically is all the more reason to get a job. Again this attitude accords to credence to the simple reality: for people without these issues there aren't enough jobs. It becomes something of a downward spiral. The last time I signed on I emailed about a job that could have been done, at least according to the advert, from home, but surprise surprise, no response. I don't even think the job existed. Typically it came from the DWP's own jobsearch site. Something they have yet to fix. Working from home would be a great option, but of course where is the support?

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Anybody Out There?

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ADD

Thursday today (unless time has confused me again!), the day between yesterday's appointment with The Psychologist, and signing on tomorrow. A brief oasis for me to discuss said appointment as it was a test for 'neurodiverse tendencies'. I think that's the best way of putting it; it's all a bit vague really. When I first saw The Psychologist I mentioned that I was in the process of trying to get a diagnosis for Aspergers to which she replied she could do a test that, while not an official diagnosis, could count towards one - or something. Something official anyway, though bizarrely after the test was completed (took a couple of hours) she said she wasn't trained for Aspergers specifically.

The test itself was a kind of Krypton Factor lite (sans exercise course): a mix of recall, pattern recognition, problem solving, and questionnaire. I was asked to arrange coloured blocks into a prescribed pattern, to spot what was missing from a series of pictures, to guess fr…