Skip to main content

Fear is the Mind Killer

...To borrow a phrase from Dune. True though.

Tomorrow I've an appointment with my GP, thanks to a lucky cancellation (god knows when else I would have been able to get an appointment). When I first spoke to a doctor about the fear and anxiety that I'm currently experiencing (and considerably so) as a result of being targeted by idiots (and life in general, it sometimes seems) I was laughed at. The guy just sneered at me - I kid you not. His attitude was awful. Different doctor, to be fair. Same surgery though.

It is just so difficult trying to explain things like anxiety and stress and fear; either you find the doctor understands these issues or they simply reject it. I suspect I won't get anymore tomorrow. I'm fed up trying to explain these issues but the guy just seems to think that getting a job would solve all my problems. Just that. Simplistic and I think naive: 'getting a job would solve it all'. No thought as to what job and whether having a shitty job would only compound these problems. No consideration as to how I would get a job (because until i get one things don't change of course). So again we have this dismissive attitude: 'oh get a job', as if it's as simple as popping down the shop and buying today's paper - though even that has become difficult. I watch my back when I go even to the local shops, I take a different route and I'm mindful who's around. That's no way to live. But if I got a job all this would change - really? Ok, it might get me the money to move away (though on minimum wage that's not particularly likely is it). But still I would have to find a job, and what chance do I have right now?

It's so difficult explaining these issues. It's an entirely personal thing. Stress and anxiety as experienced by me isn't something I can show the doctor; it's not something he can understand so if he isn't sympathetic to these kinds of problem how can he help? This is exacerbated by the current ATOS-led environment where sickness, if you like, equals malingering and work is the great panacea. The puritan work ethic. Right now I feel like I'm on the edge. I certainly can't focus on searching for work. I don't consider myself 'job ready' as the industry describes it - but then I would say that, wouldn't I.

Dealing with the DWP on the other hand is equally difficult: without the official stamp of a proper GP what I say holds less credibility. You find that the advisers take one of two approaches. Either they think you are lazy and it's back to the puritan work ethic, or they respond in a rather cloying 'oh poor you' kind of way that's just patronising. Doubtless with the latter they think they are being understanding, but it's nothing of the kind, at least not as far as I'm concerned. I find it appalling and unbearable. I can't deal with that, it's pretending to a level of emotional attachment between us that isn't there or even appropriate. As someone with (possibly, I should say, we may find out soon enough though) Aspergers, I find it very very uncomfortable.

But the bottom line is you have to look for work. Work solves everything. Being sick, having problems emotionally, psychologically or even physically is all the more reason to get a job. Again this attitude accords to credence to the simple reality: for people without these issues there aren't enough jobs. It becomes something of a downward spiral. The last time I signed on I emailed about a job that could have been done, at least according to the advert, from home, but surprise surprise, no response. I don't even think the job existed. Typically it came from the DWP's own jobsearch site. Something they have yet to fix. Working from home would be a great option, but of course where is the support?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Fucking Hate the Work Programme

That did not go well.
My legs were wobbly to begin with as I closed in on the church that passes for the office of the employment wing of the Salvation Army. My appointment was 3 to half past. I really did feel sick. Pretty early on, when he asked for the forms he gave me last time to fill in, I knew that what was arranged on the letter (a short interview with me bringing my CV and jobsearch) was actually going to be much longer. I also knew that, come half three when I had to leave to catch my bus back ten minutes later, I was going to have problems. 
Unfortunately, though more for me I fear, it never got that far; at 20 past he terminated the interview citing my apparent 'putting up barriers' as the reason not to continue. This was because I refused consent for him to keep my CV. I asked why he needed it and offered, three times, to show it to him (that's all), he said it was to apply for jobs on my behalf. The EEC's need this information.
What's an EEC? Employm…

U.N. and Them

What are my thoughts on this?

It's a humanitarian crisis. Is that a phrase we should only reserve for famines in Africa or force majeure? We seem to have a blind spot to these things when they are on our own doorstep - it couldn't happen here, could it?

Yes.

Seven years of the most brutal selfish and greedy governance, not to mention the least competent, has brought us to the point where the United Nations are telling the Tories they are causing a 'human catastrophe' amongst the disabled and the sick. This is not the first time, and even that doesn't include their comments on the hated and spiteful (not to mention ineffectual) Bedroom Tax.

Do the Tories persist with these policies because they actually believe they are correct or even moral?

Or is it because they have no other way to appease the media attack dogs and/or the braying Shirefolk that delight in persecuting the poor as they do torturing foxes and badgers?

Is it both?

We have a government, in a first wor…

Into the Mirror

So tomorrow morning is my WCA. Needless to say I am not looking forward to it, and that would be an understatement. It's currently sitting in my mind, refusing to leave, cooking up a stultifying negativity. That's the thing with depression; it's a presence that, even if you manage to distract yourself for a time, it returns with hammer-like vengeance. That feeling alone is enough to make the problem of depression the horrible reality it is. Sucker punched by your own thoughts.

Logically - as if we live in a logical society - I should pass. My situation is unchanged from last year. However that is exactly why I won't pass. You might think it reasonable to simply report that fact, but the simplicity of doing so, the ease of process, is exactly why you can't. Instead I will be seen, likely by someone different, and asked the same questions; some of which will not be relevant but part of the deceptive nature of the process. For example, being asked 'how did you get…