Skip to main content

Self Esteem

It shouldn't come as a surprise to hear my self esteem isn't what the government would like it to be. But then I wonder if it ever has. I'm not sure how one defines self esteem: how can I step outside of myself and objectively measure such a quality? I gather though that normally people feel pretty confident about their decisions and that second guessing oneself is not a good quality. Of course it's far too easy to say to another 'pull your socks up lad', or some other trite platitude. I've never found that helpful. To me such attitudes are either sink or swim: you either do as commanded, or you feel that bit more alienated. I've always been the latter.

For the past almost 6 years now I've had to tolerate abuse, furtive innuendo and generally be the unwilling victim of the local yobs. For some reason, and I have yet to understand why or how, I have become not only the local figure of fun (which, while bad enough, wouldn't be as much of an issue alone) but a target for their - and we're talking ignorant teenagers it seems - abuse. They think I've wronged them somehow. I won't go into details: not least of all because I don't have any. I don't know who these people are, I've had no dealings with them in any way fashion or form. Nor do I seek to. Consequently my self esteem, confidence and general mental health, has taken a nosedive. It's a major part of why I claimed ESA until last March. Unfortunately the emotional fallout isn't enough of a motivation for the doctors to do anything.

I don't have any answers to this, and it's still happening. I received the latest whispering and pointing this evening as i went to get some dinner from the shop. It's so easy to hurt others with this kind of ignorant crap. These kids have no clue and obviously don't care. Any attempt by me to deal with them would probably make things worse: I'd lose my cool one way or the other and become a joke to them. Certainly you aren't going to win them over against the words of their mates.

So i find myself, as i try to recover, wondering just how the likes of the Work Programme, with its cake baking courses and flowery pictures filled with positive words and action plans, can hope to address such deep seated issues. Especially in a group environment - something I dread. Do I really want to stand up and talk about this in front of complete strangers or, at the very least, a course provider? Are these people trained psychiatrists and therapists? I doubt it! It's one thing posting here about it (and I'm reluctant to do so even as I type - not least because it seems like self indulgence), but it's quite another to see the face of the person. What would the Jobcentre think if I expressed such doubts? I've tried talking about this to the doctor, but they aren't interested and there's next to no help. Perhaps my new best friend, The Psychologist, can help. If not, I'm going to have to ask some serious questions as to what it is The Psychologist is actually for!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Fucking Hate the Work Programme

That did not go well.
My legs were wobbly to begin with as I closed in on the church that passes for the office of the employment wing of the Salvation Army. My appointment was 3 to half past. I really did feel sick. Pretty early on, when he asked for the forms he gave me last time to fill in, I knew that what was arranged on the letter (a short interview with me bringing my CV and jobsearch) was actually going to be much longer. I also knew that, come half three when I had to leave to catch my bus back ten minutes later, I was going to have problems. 
Unfortunately, though more for me I fear, it never got that far; at 20 past he terminated the interview citing my apparent 'putting up barriers' as the reason not to continue. This was because I refused consent for him to keep my CV. I asked why he needed it and offered, three times, to show it to him (that's all), he said it was to apply for jobs on my behalf. The EEC's need this information.
What's an EEC? Employm…

I Hate James Bartholomew

Know the Tory mindset: according to these creatures welfare breeds dependency. Meanwhile they do not want to set a minimum wage, they do not want to create legislation to protect the un - and under - employed from the predations of the system they benefit from. That word is chosen deliberately, because they like benefits for themselves - the ability to sack whom they like, when they like and how they like. In this UKIP are the same. This is the febrile heart of the right wing.
Yesterday on 5 Live's laughable morning phone in - bigots drink for free - another right wing excuse for a human, James Bartholomew, revealed another aspect of their nasty prejudice and staggering ignorance. Not surprisingly this vile creature was once a banker. He writes (if one can call it that) for the Telegraph and though I don't know the content of his ballot paper, I dare say I can guess. He props up every tory myth about the unemployed and welfare with dull witted aplomb.
He believes people have …

Still Going

I started this blog thinking I could do something useful, provide some decent citizen journalism, or at the very least offer something credible for, at the risk of stroking my own ego, posterity. But in truth I have found it very difficult to keep up with my own standards. This is true of all the writing I engage in. It isn't that I don't enjoy it, or that I don't know how (YMMV), but that I just struggle to maintain the concentration. This is part of the problem, mental health-wise, that I have tried to address in recent years; all to no avail. Unfortunately it is simply perceived as an excuse by our society. In response to that, I offer none. I am what I am, and if that means I'm lazy then lazy I must be.

I was due to have a WCA on the 7th; instead I rang and said I couldn't go through with it and that they could pursue whatever consequences they saw fit. Curiously they offered me the opportunity to postpone the interview, which I did, though I'm not sure why…