Got a new advisor with Fedcap employment. But to be honest I think the relationship with these people is now irreparable. For me you have one chance to connect, after that it just feels contrived, awkward and ultimately counter productive. I don't trust these organisations and I am deeply uncomfortable with small talk, particularly from strangers over the phone who work, essentially for the DWP. That may seem unfair, and in many cases it will turn out that the advisor is just someone who wants to help. But the problem is the system dictates what they can do, how far they can go in support, as well as shaping their overall attitude, which, is also determined by prevailing social conditions. In other words, they want a specific outcome; if your goals don't align with that so easily then the relationship becomes difficult. Never mind the presence of a plague that has fundamentally and irrevocably warped society.
And so the New Guy introduces himself to me on the phone and a painful conversation ensues. I cannot cope with these kinds of discussions and knowing he is only trying to be friendly (I hope) makes it worse. It makes me feel guilty; as if I am being ungrateful or rude. That is not my intention, but there are two factors: a) I am socially awkward and find these conversations gut wrenchingly hard. This is made worse when it's b) someone I don't know that is working for an organisation funded by the DWP.
My experience with these groups is not positive. No doubt many will point out that, as I'm the consistent factor throughout, then it must be me that's 'to blame'. But that attitude is also apart of the problem, shaping further my reaction. All of this is a symptom of our toxic society. It is, essentially, true to say that I am that factor, but that is, I believe, because of my undiagnosed Asperger's/like condition. I simmply cannot function or interact in the way these people require and so there is a disconnect that makes me appear unwilling to engage. It isn't fair, it's just how it is.
This is why so many of these organisations fail; they don't have a grassroots understanding of thins like neurodiversity and they are unwilling to apply a correct class-based understanding to the circumstances of the people with whom they interact. Consequently they cannot understand that the problems people like me fact aren't simply intransigence or laziness, but due to the difficulties faced having to interact with a class based, capitalist driven, society. Any society would present conditions people within (me as well as DWP advisors, everyone) have to face. However these conditions are particularly toxic, in my opinion. We cannot ignore them, which is why I discuss them. As a consequence they throw a division between people like well meaning Fedcap New Guy and myself. I have no idea if he has an understanding of Asperger's and the autism spectrum; I'd be surprised if he did. They ostensibly rely on specialists for that (despite claiming to have health expertise, they instead 'signpost' you to real experts).
The tragedy is that, this time last year, I had made inroads into getting advocacy for a second diagnosis attempt. The pandemic has put paid to that; it's desperately unlikely they will concede to a second opinion, using the more appropriate DSM system (and not the ADOS method which I believe is for childhood diagnosis, not adults). Even if they did, I have no support, no advocate, and no chance of a diagnosis under optimal conditions. That is simply how it is now. I think I will have to appraise New Guy of the Asperger situation, he didn't bring it up which indicates the previous advisor hadn't recorded it in some fashion. If that's the case then that's not good.
However at this point I really don't think there's much we can do. It takes much for me to trust these kinds of organisation. I need to know the people I'm working with have my best interests at heart and are genuine. I don't expect them to actually be raging socialists though it would be nice. But if, after nearly four months, they have barely scraped 3 appointments with nothing to offer and no effort, I feel, in establishing rapport (or understanding the difficulties in me doing so), then I think that isn't ever going to happen.
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