The Year They Took Our Breath (+1 minute)

End of year scorecard: B+. Could do well if only it would apply itself. Easily influenced but can try harder.

That was the year that was. It doesn't really feel like New Years Eve. Perhaps because it's not pissing down with rain. Instead it's horrifically cold and looks set to remain for the foreseeable. Just the sort of weather the health service doesn't need while trying to fight a virus. Aside from human bodies, they are the only one doing so. The government has largely given up. Despite while the increasingly creepy Gavin Williamson says, schools will not be ready. How can they be; they aren't designed for this crisis and no support has been given to effect necessary change. Are kids and staff really going to sit for hours in classrooms made freezing because of windows having to be open? Do the Tories care?

When I recall the initial lockdown it is, to now, as the beforetimes was to that period. A different world. Despite - and not to diminish - the horror and death, that was a paradise compared to where we are now. The weather was on our side and we were fortunate it wasn't then, as it is now, the start of winter. A bleakr not-even-midwinter, despite the sun pouring onto my screen as I type.

I think there was a kind of novelty to it back then, an innocence before fatigue. I haven't been - thankfully - directly affected by this virus. I am lucky in that respect. A great many were, and are, not. But I can speak only to my experience. The sun was shining, the weather was pleasant, almost in ignorance, even defiance, of circumstances. That provided a relief. There was less traffic, less aircraft noise. These are good things, even if they originate in suffering. That is simply the nature of life. 

Then somewhere along the line that innocence was lost. We are weary now. Too many people are too tired. Too many people are not doing what they need to get over this, and that is the bitterest irony of all. While they are somewhat culpable blame must ultimately be placed at the feet of the msot shambolic grasping state I've ever known. Everything they have done has failed, and it needn't have been so. Even though these are unprecedented times for us, these are not uncharted waters. There are places we could have looked to for guidance. Examples to follow. But the arrogance of Tories is always to be underestimated. It has allowed the government to bludgeon through a terrible Brexit deal that will diminish us while half the country, and rising, burns in fever. Every briefing or press conference, at the three word lectern of confusion, just further reveals how lacking in anything remotely resembling competence or statecraft Boris Johnson is. Covid is a torch shone at him throwing up a shadow; a bumbling oaf who thinks he can 'ra ra ra' his way through this. Furiously shaking hands with a virus and nearly killing himself. Oh what might have been.

(Not to be outdone, Crying Matt quickly followed suit and dutifully surrendered to his microbial master. Now he's pretending to be upset in a TV studio in order to impress, of all people, Piers Morgan.)

Yes well.

Now we are here, with two vaccines on the loose. It will take the best part of 2021, and perhaps the rest of us, to see it through. I reckon it will take at least 6 months, assuming a consistent 2 million jabs a week, to get everyone vaccinated. But to assume nothing will go wrong just seems woefully naive. Look who's in charge? They haven't even done 2 million in the few weeks since the program started. They've spent a decade dismantling and selling off the NHS to the point that doctors are unable to provide both regular care and administer a vaccine. They won't listen though.

That is the lesson to take forward. It is, as it has always been, down to us. The only people that can save us...is us. The Tories will never change. They aren't going to learn. I'm sure they've handed the vaccine administering role to Serco or the like. Schools will open, the virus will remain. I want to be positive, for the start of the year. It is a time to start afresh, even if just in spirit. I hope, with the calming of the Christmas rush and the continued lockdown restritions, that the virus calms down. It has to, we have no choice. The government has abandoned everything else to enter into a vaccine race versus the virus. There is no second prize.

Happy New Year.

Thinking About Creativity While Escaping Tier 4 (+55 seconds)

Continuing the theme of not talking about Covid, but then talking about it later because it's such a disaster, I will continue from yesterday. SO GO READ THAT! 

Anyway.

It's a shame that the creative arts are not supported as career choices in our society. At least that hasn't been my experience. There may well have been schemes, but most are - or were (Brexit will put paid to funding) - aimed at young people. While of course I do not object to that, it's rather depressing to consider that older people are dismissed. That's always the implication. It's not just this subject either; most schemes seem to be aimed at younger people. If you're going to dismiss the rest of us, then why not just support us financially, shut up, and let us get on with our lives? You obviously don't consider them of any importance. 

What is so depressing is that all these schemes, in my humble experience, have been so dull. I didn't leave yesterday's call feeling the least bit inspired. A 45 minute appointment, over in a third of that time. It just becomes a tick box exercise for these people/ I'm sure the adviser is competent and professional. I have no personal axe to grind (yet), but what's the point? Is this really the best we can do? It's just a job and one where public money is on the line. My point all along has been that I could do better with the money her company, and so, by extension, and her receive. I don't begrudge her the job, obviously, it's the system that necessitates this nonsense. Creating it by virtue of the profit incentive, conditions that arise ony in our society: the desire to make a successful business and the recognition of inequality, lack of inopportunity, and, ultimately, poverty. It's a system that is feeding upon itself. 

Winter is a contradictory time for creativity. You'd be forgiven for thinking that, with a more introspective period (i.e. stuck indoors) especially now, one could devote much time and effort to being creative. But the limits on behaviour, even without covid, mean that one cannot properly expand oneself, so to speak. Stepping outside is an effort when the weather is oppressive, such as now. One cannot just jump into the fields and wander the land drawing inspiration as drawing breath from the air. Winter is the time of withdrawal, of rest and, hopefully, healing. Certainly an avenue for creativity, but not an expansive one.

Anyway, just thought I'd say that.

One final note, as I'm somewhat elated at still being in Tier 3 (small victories), there are no original ideas. People don't think of things without a reference point: an earlier idea. Creativity isn't about being original it's about freely expressing your voice, which is what's unique. We aren't clones and neither are our experiences. Those are what shape your ideas, even if they aren't your ideas.

That's enough, slowly creeps the scourge. Tomorrow the year ends. I really hope the next few weeks, the start of 2021, can see the virus receding. But that really depends on everyone because we won't get any help from the government.

The Professional Filter (+48 seconds)

 And after fifteen (out of the 45, booked) minutes, my third appointment with Fedcap Employment is over. THe latest in a series of social enterprises paid and ultimately answerable to the DWP that I've been in contact with. I'm happy to dance the dance with these people, as I always am, but it always ends the same way. 

None of them really can help, none of them are ever suited to help, and all of them are beholden to the capitalist state. Consequently everything is processed through certain filters. What you say is heard a certain way. If you, like me (and forgive the self indulgence), creative, you will struggle. Much, I suspect, as you do throughout life, because our society isn't geared to respect or even understand creativity - unless you can provide a clear path for your voice to come to profit. I can't give them that, who can? I have ideas; currently trying to write music. Having some success in achieving that. Ultimately that music will go to one of the many, probably quite exploitative, online outlets that exist wherein I can say "if you dig, share a bob or two". If enough people are generous thus, and inshallah, I can invest in better gear and move ever onward. But this isn't about being pop star or impressing rich businessmen who like to mould teenage dreams as clay. 

In fact I maintain all my creative interests. Not just music, but also writing. This is because I, like others (I hope), are fundamentally creative souls. Not everyone is, and there is no hierarchy of value to people in that regard. Nor should there be. However life is about expression, in my view. Creativity isn't simply liking music/art/words etc. It's about the ability and freedom to express oneself; to live. Our society does not understand this, and, because of the economic model, only values it in certain and limited ways. So when I ask what, if any, financial support is available (fully expecting nothing), the answer, to be fair, isn't outright no, but depends on whether they are convinced my creativity leads to "paid employment". It could, I guess. How would I know? I don't have an order sheet from HMV, for example. This isn't Dragon's Den, it's expression. But unfortunately society is very much a nest of wyrms.

So, 15 minutes. 

The most succinct (hah! I've got to pad this shit out for paragraphs!) summary is that I didn't come away feeling inspired, or even particularly positive. My expectations are already low, from dealing with their kind before. It's much the same, though fortunately not reaching Salvation Army levels of bullshit (yet). It's the tyranny of low expectations. Advertising copy that talks up how they are here to help, but in the end what can they do? These organisations are in fact a block; they take the money, through government contracts (willingly provided, it's a gravy train after all), that could sometimes be better invested directly. But even now schemes like the UBI, itself modest and still subject to capitalist control, are fiercely opposed when they have been shown to work. Helping people invest in themselves. Who else knows better? Most of the time at least; I certainly know better. At least better than I can adequately explain to someone whose listening skills are coloured by their professional filters. 

My adviser (or whatever the term this time is) hears what isn't said, imagining what I'm looking for even though I haven't said it. For example, she had got it into her head that I had asked about courses to attend. I'd said no such thing, just that I'd done a couple of casual creative writing courses (more creative than formal qualification) at a local centre. The sort of place that provides arts and crafts schemes, basic skills and coaching etc, to people, many of whom are disadvantaged or disabled. It's not a university or a college, just a socially funded hub. A place that, despite her working my patch, she'd never heard of (I find that telling). I did these for creative, expressive, reasons. Not for a goal or a qualification, and not because they would ever lead to paid work. They won't, not unless you are exceptionally lucky. She just doesn't understand this; her professional filters hear something specific: I must want to do a course. Courses are the sort of specific, saleable, service these social enterprises can offer. They tick a box. Merely being creative doesn't. 

But in the end she is very perfunctory, matter of fact. Almost stone faced. Bit harsh, maybe. But where's the inspiration? Though could I trust it? Given who she works for there is, unfortunately, a division between us. A hierarchy that gets in the way. That, sadly, is the real barrier to moving forward.

Endus Horribilis (+42 Seconds)

Fortunately, Tesco was less busy today. But goodness it's cold. The hills were capped with snow this morning. I do not like the cold. I'm not like the cool kids, wearing shorts and no masks. Heated by the radiation glow of their smartphones. To me this is body horror; no one was meant to wear shorts in this kind of weather. Who do you think you're fooling? Not your legs, they are screaming red like cooking lobsters.

Covid presents as the greatest threat to mental health since the second world war. This of course conveniently ignores the ten years of Tory austerity, the previous thirteen years of New Labour spin, the previous Tory administration, Thatcher, the cold war, and of course neoliberal economics. It is therefore no surprise that the greatest threat isn't covid, though it is certainly causal, but capitalism. I find it bitter to swallow the voices of those professing to care about our wellbeing while shilling for this toxic system. Their sincerity betrayed by their absence over the last period; throughout austerity and the loneliness of the viciously accelerated class war waged since 2010. Those decrying lockdowns had little to offer then, they have even less now. 

Liar Gove claims that the nation has decided that schools functioning normally is a priority. No, many teachers - and parents- think it too risky. Meanwhile his government has done absolutely nothing, leaving it entirely in the hands of staff and their budgets to make schools 'covid secure'. The government's meaningless 'open for business' catchphrase that is designed to let those MP's who break the rules off the hook. Staff have had to break their backs over Christmas to meet the government, not the nation, and its demands schools be open. Some kind of barometer of success; they think that if we get kids back in schools then we will have succeeded. Except that schools being open has proven one of the major impediments to a successful recovery. Such is the myopia of this exploitative cabal.

Is it real or is it fake? Who can tell anymore? I opened up reddit to see the latest corona virus news. Apparently I'm that stupid; at this point following all this is just self harm. I see mention of Teir 5! Beyond thunderlockdown! 8pm curfew? No outdoor exercise? That can't be real. Even though the sources seem to be the right wing gutter tabloids we are in such perilous times with such a shit government that nothing surprises me anymore. Except this, it seems. I am very concerned about this. Lockdown 3 is certainly inevitable, most of us can see that. Too many people are just not taking this seriously anymore, and we have Boris to thank for that. So something drastic really is the only solution at this point; with or without schools.

It's hard to stay positive. 

Post Advent Weekender 2 (+36 seconds)

Well I guess we have a week to go before the next, January-based, lockdown. The scientists are calling for it which means they are screaming for it. Measured language, for public consumption (so as not to offend gammon in their native environments), is always a step behind true sentiment. Certainly we can't go on as we are. In fact I just visited the shop and forgot to put my mask on! The shame I now feel given how good I've been about this. So embarrassed I put it on while at the till right before I walked out probably drawing even more attention to myself.

I just don't understand where this new spread has come from. If ti's true the new strain is more infectious then that would indicate people just aren't doing enough of the measures to curtail spread. That's the problem. We know masks and social distancing works even against this more infectious strain, for the same reasons. Therefore, since the lockdown, I conclude people aren't doing enough. That is going to have to change or things will get worse and worse.

A vaccine isn't a silver bullet either. Certainly it will help, but it could also promote false security. There will still need to be a period of public caution. We won't be able to walk out of the injection appointment and toss our masks in the air before running naked through the streets. It will still present an existential threat, especially globally. Many countries in the third world will struggle to get this vaccine, thanks again capitalism, which means it won't be fully eradicated for years. Then there is the question of whether the vaccine will need a regular boost or replacement, like with the flu.

Schools are set to open for the new year in a weeks's time. There is no way, thanks to the complete death of support from the government, to prepare them. They will thus remain a vector as they have been throughout. Unless this is addressed the root of communal spread cannot be excised. Although cases did drop during the lockdown at the same time as school's being open. But the only safe answer is the safe answer we've already seen: the March lockdown. Schools shut throughout and we suppressed the spread, after a few months, relatively successfully. Can that be replicated, or are people just now too tired. The tier system clearly isn't working.

Only a few more days of this shitty year left. Then another shitty year beckons. It's going to be a long road before this is over. People have got to do what they can. That is the essence of anarchism. Unfortuantely people are also infantilised by capitalism so the road ahead will be a long struggle as, hopefully, people come to terms with both their own power, and the realisation our leaders are crap.

Post Advent Calendar Weekender (+29 seconds)

Tier 3, again, arrives with the threat of another storm. More wet and miserable weather. I feel it keenly. Winter is just so oppressive. In some ways that overrules the Corona Crisis, but in other ways it brings it home more severely. Unlike summer i'm not out flitting around like a butterfly. I don't do much over Christmas and I don't have a large family that would congregate anyway so it doesn't matter. On the other hand without normality the days aren't really any different and so Christmas doesn't feel like a break. Normally I can feel legitimately lazy for a couple of days. Then I might go into town and, well, do whatever. What i'd normally do, spend money, buy pointless crap. Some CD's whatever.

I can do that now; non essential retail is still permitted, but the virus is present and so are the changes caused to society in its wake. Those changes will be with us for a long time, certainly for the next few months. It's all a question of the calm between Corona related government fuck-ups, of which there will be more. I wouldn't bet against the house on that one.

Yet I have things I can do, but they become a tyranny when there is no break from them, and that's the oppressive nature of winter. Everything is one tone; one colour. Right now, grey. In some ways it's good the days are short because you don't get too long starting at grey rain clouds. Better it becomes dark, I think. There's always tomorrow, which, by the forecast, will also be grey. Oh well.

I would like to plan ahead. I have some money. I've had it for a while, rainy day money I could happily spend on any type of day. There are things I could buy to invest in moving forward - at least that's the hope. The future is always a gamble, that's the nature of a capitalist society without the privilege of wealth. ESA money that I haven't yet spent mainly out of fear: what if I need to replace something, or make an emergency payment. More specifically, what happens if - when - my entitlement ends. 

Should that happen my money would stop instantly. There is no 'notice' or grace period. The decision is made and you learn about it when they decide to tell you, learning after the fact. It's ridiculous. The whole system is completely counter productive as a result. It prohibits you from planning ahead, making decisions that could improve your chances of moving forward. What should be a means to that end, or at least could be, if you're lucky, just becomes a chain that binds you. It would be better for that money to circulate in the economy. Instead it has to live in the proverbial shoebox under the bed in case of future events. We don't live in an economically secure society, our masters don't want that. So the whole thing is self defeating - and I'm lucky, I don't need to spend what I receive as much as others. Fpor many they won't have this luxury, they have to spend to live. I've been able to keep most of my benefit as savings, but am afraid of using them in the most positive way, for me, possible. Isn't that ridiculous.

Of course this is just massively self indulgent. Like I said: I'm lucky. It's a miserable cold wet Boxing Day (sort of, it's that weird double Boxing Day bank holiday weekend thing). But I have to wonder about moving forward. This is the time of year for that, but the straitjacket of the benefit system is its own enemy. It just seems to exist to keep people down. It doesn't help them because it's boith too stingy and too restricting: its gatekeepers too full of their limited ideology that keeps people from moving forward despite that nominally being their function.

Advent Calendar 20: We Got Here! (+23 seconds)

So here it is, merry Christmas.

I don't want to be talking about Covid today. But I do want to make an entry. Honestly it just feels like every other Christmas day: cold, getting dark early albeit slightly less early. I don't do much and I don't go anywhere. Now, this year, none of you can either! Hooray.

I'm sure there's another iteration of the Shrek franchise on TV. It's on every year. But I don't really watch broadcast TV because it's mostly rubbish punctuated by people trying to sell you rubbish. I'm sure the adverts are full of mention of the sales, starting Boxing Day! I can't imagine how that's going to work, but retail and capitalism are juggernauts not so easily stopped. Even with Tier 4 either present or looming I'm sure DFS and the rest of the sofa sellers, tour operators, and assorted tat purveyors (such as the fragrance floggers who, seasonally, hire the actor de jeur to speak french and wear stubble), will all be lining up starting tomorrow to spend your Christmas dollars. Amazon waiting in the wings of course :D 

What a year they've had!

Still, at least it's reasonably sunny and dry. It is however monstrously cold, but then why not? It's winter yo! 

The bells did ring out this morning. Our local church is 800 years old and the vicar is a nice bloke. I have no real time for dogmatic superstitions, but if believing that a sky master (who presumably created covid) exists makes you a decent person who am I to argue? I don't begrudge them their day out especially now. They even managed to get the bells rining and the clock working. No longer is it permanently 9:50, just twice each day.

So here we are. In the midst of a storm. On one side a pointless and lacking Brexit deal, Covid on the other. In a week 2020 dries up, but the effects linger. Hopefully, with a reneewed calendar, hope can follow. I'll be taking it one day at a time, the daylight waxing and the sun rising, ever so slowly, once again. Let us hope it is enough to emancipate ourselves of this prison we have found ourselves in, with the strength to rid ourselves of our jailers.